star warsa new insert humorous word here
by Nuckpang
Summary: Star Wars: bigger, better, funnier, uncut! Scenes they were afraid to put in, and much more... Actually thats about it, but it's good! Honest. r&r, pleazzze. Go on, read it. I dare ya, chicken. Go on, what have you got to lose?
1. space, the final fronteir

Disclaimer: you'll never guess what, I don't in fact own star wars, or have any association with George Lucas, or anything like that. I don't own the characters, or nuthin' like that. So, on with the...er... thing. Yeah.  
  
Star wars  
  
Daaaaa da da da, ahh you get the idea.  
  
A long time ago (`bout 20 years)  
  
In a place far far away (some big Hollywood studio)  
  
A blockade runner shoots into the screen (literally) followed closely by a star destroyer. Suddenly a blockade appears on the horizon (yes, I know there aren't any horizons in space, but it sounds impressive, doesn't it?) Inside the blockade runner...  
  
Captain: *talking softly to a quite attractive woman in the seat beside his* you know, I actually own this ship. I have my own bedroom, with a king-size bed. You know, if your off duty soon...  
  
Lieutenant: sir, the star destroyer is catching up!  
  
Captain: *Not hearing a word* oh that's great...  
  
Lieutenant: Er...ok. I wasn't expecting that. *Looks back to his screen* GOOD god, SIR! A blockade has just appeared.  
  
Captain: *Still oblivious* well that's just swell...  
  
Lieutenant: *Cautiously trying to drop a hint* a blockade sir? We're in a blockade-runner? *Trying to get his attention* sir? SIR? HOOKERS!!!  
  
Captain: *Leaps out of his chair and looks around frantically* WHAT?!? WHERE???  
  
Lieutenant: *Sniggers* hehehe. Sir there's a blockade ahead  
  
Captain: damn, a blockade, and here we are in this stupid blockade runne... wait a minute, blockade runner, a blockade... * an idea slowly forming * ...blockade runner...a blockade...I've got it! EVERYBODY RUN AWAY, ABANDON SHIP, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF... AND ME FIRST!!!  
  
Lieutenant: *fairly pissed off* sir, we're in a blockade runner, could we not run...the...blockade? In our blockade...runner??  
  
Captain: *Considering this* er...em... no, my ways better.  
  
Lieutenant: Well I don't care. I've got the controls and I say we do.  
  
The blockade-runner slowly approaches the blockade, hits it, bounces off, and spins away.  
  
Captain: *Mumbling* stupid cheap bloody huts. "It's almost new" they said, "works fine" they said. Can't even run bloody blockade.  
  
Inside the corridors of the blockade runner two badly glued together droids trundle along...  
  
C3PO: Did you hear that?  
  
R2D2: Beep (yeah, excuse yourself)  
  
C3PO: They've shut down the main reactor  
  
R2D2: Beepy bleep (and that means what to me)  
  
C3PO: We'll be destroyed for sure  
  
R2D2: Beep blop (oh...right... that's not good then)  
  
C3PO: There'll be no escape for the princes this time  
  
R2D2: Bleep (oh sure there will, some dashing heroic young man will desperately in love with her and attempt a seemingly suicidal, yet very successful, mission to save her life and win her love).  
  
C3PO: Oh piss off.  
  
The star destroyer approaches, they use a tractor beam and start to pull the ship into their hanger, but the ship gets loose and starts to get away.  
  
Voice from inside the star destroyer: oh no you don't. *a giant hand reaches out, grabs the blockade runner, and pulls it back into the hanger* hehehe.  
  
A group of rebel soldiers are standing by a door smoking secretly.  
  
The lookout: quick, someone's coming!  
  
They all hide their cigarettes behind their backs as a guard walks up to them.  
  
guard: *Strong English copper accent* `allo, `allo, `allo, what's goin' on ere den?  
  
smoker: Er... nothing.  
  
guard: *Sniffing* oh yeah, den what's that smell?  
  
smoker: *Ashamed* sorry sir...but I had curry for dinner.  
  
Columns of smoke start to rise from behind their backs  
  
guard: Hmmm...your not smoking, are you?  
  
smoker: NO!!  
  
smoker2: NO!!  
  
smoker3: NO!!  
  
smoker4: NO!!  
  
smoker5: NO!!  
  
smoker6: NO!!  
  
smoker7: NO!!  
  
smoker8: yes, *gets elbowed in the ribs* oh, wait. I mean no.  
  
smoker9: NO!!  
  
Luke: NO.  
  
smoker: Hey! What are you doing here?  
  
Luke: *shrugs* nuh! I just got bored. I'll go now. *Walks off*  
  
guard: Well if your not smoking then how come you're listed as smokers in the script?  
  
smoker: er...well...you see  
  
smoker2: *starts to shift uncomfortably* em, sorry, but I think I may have set fire to my pants with the cigarette which I haven't got behind my back. *his pants burst into flames* yep, I'm fairly sure I have.  
  
guard: I think you are smoking.  
  
smoker: Oh no we're not, you see...*some one knocks on the door behind them *. Excuse me a minute. * He opens it, there are about 20 storm troopers on the other side. One of them waves. He closes it again, and turns to the guard*. it's for you.  
  
guard: Thanks. *He opens it*. Hi there!  
  
Storm trooper: hi. *Blasts him*  
  
smoker: That was quite convenient.  
  
Storm trooper: yep, and now prepare to di...er... that guys pants are on fire.  
  
smoker: yeah, he's noticed.  
  
smoker2: *running around in circles* ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!  
  
The flames completely engulf him and he runs around setting fire to the ship and the men around him. The storm troopers watch as he destroys the ship. They look at each other, shrug, and walk off.  
  
Down the corridor men and troopers are fighting. R2 and 3PO run through a hail of crossfire without being hit once. They are followed by a conga line of droids, who are blasted to pieces. (Just as well really, they weren't very good dancers. Honestly, I expected much better quality in such a good rewrite).  
  
In a dark corridor princess Leia is leaning over R2. She opens a small door in him.  
  
Leia: if you could just hold onto these I'd really appreciate it. *she starts to put in whips, leather g-stings, kinky outfits, etc.* oh yeah, and you'd better have this as well. *Puts in the death star plans*  
  
3PO walks around the corner, and R2 trundles up to him.  
  
3PO: *mumbling* fucken stupid little droid... Leias little fucken pet...didn't ask me to hold her fucken knickers. *loudly* well, come on then.  
  
R2: *smugly* beep (hehehe)  
  
Back at the door a storm trooper is checking the bodies.  
  
Stormtrooper: nice ring *nicks it*. Hey, Nice watch *nicks it*. Nice underpants *nicks them*. *moves on to the next body*. Hmmm, nice ring *nicks it*. Nice boots *nicks them*. nice underpa... *checks* ugh, what a mess. *moves on to the next body*  
  
Body: I'm not actually dead.  
  
Storm trooper: *blasts him* you are now.  
  
Vader sweeps in dramatically.  
  
Body: no I'm not.  
  
Storm trooper: *kicks him* shut up. *salutes*  
  
Vader walks off.  
  
In a corridor two storm troopers are playing hopscotch.  
  
Stormtrooper1: *Hopping* apples, oranges, peach and prune.  
  
Stormtrooper2: Ohh, you're so good at this.  
  
Leia appears and shoots one.  
  
Stormtrooper1: *gets hit* hey, you shot me.  
  
Stormtrooper2: *nudges him* I think when you're shot, you're meant to die.  
  
Stormtrooper1: oh right, thanks. That could have been embarrassing. *Drops dead*  
  
Stormtrooper2: glad to help. *he shoots Leia* hehehe, I shot your ass.  
  
Back to Vader, who has the captain by the throat. (He also has a speech impediment, so it might help if, when ur reading his lines, have ur tongue slightly out of ur mouth. The tip of it just outside ur teeth)  
  
Vader: what have you done wit the pwans for my wovwey wittle "pwantat bwowerupper" (planet blowerupper, just so u know)  
  
Captain: the....pawns? They're in the chess set.  
  
Vader: don't pway dumb wit me, where are the twansmittions u intercepted?  
  
Captain: we have intercepted no twansmittions, this is a counsellor's ship, we're on a diplomatic mission to alderann.  
  
Vader: If this is a counsewwor's ship, where is the ambassador?  
  
The ambassador walks in.  
  
Ambassador: sorry, I was on the toilet, did I miss anything?  
  
Vader: *glances meaningfully at one of the stormtroopers*  
  
Storm trooper: *shoots the ambassador*  
  
Vader: twank you.  
  
Captain: WHAT??? You're disgusting.  
  
Leia walks in.  
  
Leia: Darth Vader, I should have known.  
  
Vader: wes, but you didn't. I foowed you. Ne ne ne-ne na. *a small slot flips open. A tongue flies out and blows a raspberry* hehehe. Err...by the way, why do you have a pair of Danish pastries stuck to your head?  
  
Leia: It's a fashion statement.  
  
Vader: it wooks shit.  
  
Leia: bite me!  
  
Vader: the twought had cwossed my mind, but pastwies don't agwee with me, unless I have a nice gwass of milk.  
  
Leia: shut up.  
  
Vader: guawds, take hewr away.  
  
The guawds, damnit, I mean, the guards take her away.  
  
Vader: hehehe, *bimbo voice* I am so going to kill hewr.  
  
Captain: *he's been hanging there by the throat during the whole conversation* so, I don't suppose you could put me down now?  
  
Vader: er...no.  
  
the smoker runs through, still on fire.  
  
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitout Putitoutputitoutputitout!!!!  
  
Vader: he's in twouble. His shoewaces wewre untied, he's going to fawll, and could sewiously huwt himself.  
  
Smoker: *there's a crash off the screen* OW!  
  
Vader: *sniggers* hehehe  
  
Back to R2 and 3PO. They are getting into the escape pod.  
  
C3PO: You can't go in there, it's restricted.  
  
R2D2: beep bleep blop blip bop nip nop sip sop gip gop ip op lip lop lalalalalala weeeeeee plop. (So?)  
  
C3PO: You'll be blasted into a million pieces, sent to the spice mines of kessel...  
  
R2D2: Beep (with the rest of the crew? Stop whinging and get in bitch).  
  
C3PO: *Getting in* I'm going to regret this.  
  
R2D2: Beep (*cheerfully* YEP)  
  
They blast off into space.  
  
R2D2: *Looking at a screen* beep (I wonder if we can get the playboy channel on this thing?)  
  
Anyway, that's chapter 1 of my first ever rewrite, chapter 2 coming soon (I hope). I'd just like to say thanks to pádraig and kid phoenix (read his `lord of the rings my way', it's brilliant) for giving me some ideas. 


	2. chapter2- the second chapter

Zig heilo, I am ze Nuckpang. Zis is ze second part of mine rewrite. Hope you are having ze fun. If you haven't reviewed zhis, VOT ZE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Tell me vot you zink of my writing and my ridiculous accent, once you have zon dat, read on...  
  
C3PO And R2D2 are in the desert walking away form the escape pod.  
  
R2D2: *Shocked* beep (so, we could get the playboy channel)  
  
C3PO: Yes, who knew women could do THAT?  
  
R2D2: Beep (yeah, and that thing with the tortoise and the piece of string...wow)  
  
C3PO: *Realising where he is* what a desolate place this is.  
  
R2D2: Beep (could be worse, we could be over there. *points to a group of cannibals boiling droids in a big pot*)  
  
C3PO: Good point.  
  
R2D2: Beep (no, not the cannibals, beside them. *Points to the right of the cannibals where a very old and boring teacher is slowly teaching his class algebra. *)  
  
C3PO: *Runs away screaming* aggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  
  
R2D2: Beep (yeah, thought so.)  
  
C3PO: I just can't go on, my joints have frozen up.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (well, you are standing in the middle of a dessert.)  
  
C3PO: Don't you mean a desert?  
  
R2D2: Beep (no, look down)  
  
C3PO: *Looks down, he is standing in a bowl of jelly and ice cream* oh, right then.  
  
R2D2: Beep (well, I'm off. *Starts to trundle away*)  
  
C3PO: What? Where are you going? What makes you think there are settlements in that direction?  
  
R2D2: Beep (I got a map)  
  
C3PO: Oh, and where are you going?  
  
R2D2: Beep (I'm goin ta Vegas)  
  
C3PO: Well I'm not going that way, it's much too rocky.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (sissy)  
  
C3PO: I am not, I'm just prissy.  
  
R2D2: Bleepy beep (that's not even a word)  
  
C3PO: Yes it is, it never showed up on spellchecker.  
  
R2D2: Beep (damn, you got me there. Oh well, bye.)  
  
C3PO: Wait, you can't just leave me here on my own...  
  
R2D2: Beep (oh sure I can)  
  
C3PO: Fine then, you go, go to Vegas, leave me here...on my own...*starts to sob*...with on one to talk to, me, all vulnerable and alone...  
  
R2D2: Beep (yeah, that's the plan)  
  
C3PO: *runs off crying hysterically*  
  
R2D2: Beep (*looks at him run for a while* bye now)  
  
Somewhere in the desert C3PO has calmed down.  
  
C3PO: *Mumbles* fucken little droid...he tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.  
  
In Vegas R2D2 is strolling down the street surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women and has a huge bowl of gambling chips on his head.  
  
R2D2: Beep (hehehe, I tricked him into going that way)  
  
Back to C3PO.  
  
C3PO: *looks up* a transport, I'm saved. OVER HERE!!! OVER HERE!!! *the sand crawler turns and comes towards him* ha, I'll show that little crome dome bitch who's best. *the sand crawler is getting close*. Err... shouldn't you be stopping now? Hello? HELLO? *he turns and starts to run as fast as his little droid legs can carry him, bout 2 miles an hour* ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH *gets crushed by the sand crawler*  
  
voice from inside crawler: chuck chuck naboo?(you hear something?)  
  
other voice: ning nong (nope!)  
  
back in Vegas R2D2 is walking along the street. A jawa jumps out of a dark ally way.  
  
Jawa: BOO!  
  
R2D2: EEK(oh dear, I do belive I am about to have a cardiac arrest *has a heart attack and keels over* yep, cardiac arrest)  
  
Jawa: hotini chuckningnucknang (MA, it happened again)  
  
Mother: chuck chuck frang (oh no, not again. What have I told you about this?)  
  
Jawa: ching chong chang (*looking at the ground and shuffling his feet* sorry ma, won't do it again ma)  
  
Mother: chuck nuck chuck pang (good. Well come on then, lets get him into the crawler)  
  
Jawa: hutini? (er... ma, how did we get a sand crawler into the middle of Las Vegas?)  
  
Mother: hungtoni (don't ask stupid questions)  
  
Inside the sand crawler R2D2 is lying in a pile of rubbish.  
  
R2D2: beep (oh god, my head. What did I drink and how many times did I drink it? And whose bed am I in? *looks to his right and sees C3PO lying beside him* OH SWEET SITH SPAWN, NO!!!!!! Wait, maybe I can still sneak away quietly...  
  
C3PO: *wakes up* R2 is that you?  
  
R2D2: bleep (what, no, I'm ...R2...D3. Now listen, whatever happened last night was a mistake, I know I had a lot to drink an...)  
  
C3PO: R2D2 IS YOU, IT IS YOU.  
  
R2D2: BEEP (NO IT ISN'T, NO IT ISN'T...)  
  
outside the sand crawler two Jawas are talking.  
  
Voice from inside: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)  
  
Back at the escape pod the storm troopers are investigating the site.  
  
Stormtrooper1: yep, that's defiantly an escape pod.  
  
Stormtrooper2: yeah, that's what that is.  
  
Stormtrooper3: there can be no doubt that is what that is.  
  
Stormtrooper4: absolutely...unless it's a supply pod.  
  
Stormtrooper1: ye...what?  
  
Stormtrooper4: well, it could be a supply pod.  
  
Stormtrooper1: oh yeah, it could be a supply pod. BUT it is much more likely that it is an escape pod.  
  
Stormtrooper4: well I don't know, I'd rather a supply pod then an escape pod in a place like this.  
  
Stormtrooper1: wha...yeah well obviously, but still...  
  
Stormtrooper5: it could be some sort of tent.  
  
Stormtrooper3: or a really small house.  
  
Stormtrooper2: it could be a prop from an earlier sci-fi film.  
  
Stormtrooper6: it could be a giant eyeball  
  
Stormtrooper1: yeah it could be...WHAT???  
  
Everyone turns to stare at stormtrooper6.  
  
Stormtrooper6: what? It could be!  
  
Stormtrooper1: how many things do you know that have eyeballs that big?  
  
Stormtrooper6: well...him for one. *points to a giant Cyclops standing in the dessert*  
  
Cyclops: *from off screen* bloody ice cream!  
  
Stormtrooper1: yeah, well he has his, doesn't he?  
  
Cyclops: now where did I put that bloody eye? *starts to pat his pockets* I know I had it here just a second ago.  
  
Nuckpang runs in. (that is, me. You know, the guy writing this? The one making you roll around on the floor, crying...wait, you are crying because it's funny aren't you? WHAT??? Asshole. I have a lot of better things I could be doing you know, I have a maths project due in tomorrow, I could be doing that, *starts to sob* but no...I give you my free time, I sacrifice so much just to give you a giggle, *starts to cry* just to make you smile... aaaaaaghhhhaha *recovers*. Oh well...)  
  
Nuckpang: no, no, no. this will not do. Cyclops's are fantasy creatures, they do not exist in the star wars universe.  
  
Stormtrooper1: you wanna tell HIM that?  
  
Nuckpang: fine then, I will. *to Cyclops* HEY! YOU! YOU DON'T EXIST!  
  
Cyclops: what? Piss off. *kicks Nuckpang and sends him flying off over the horizon*  
  
Nuckpang: *flying through the air* you'lll regret thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt.  
  
Cyclops: huhuhu, he stopid.  
  
Nuckpangs voice coming down from the clouds: you're messing with the wrong author.  
  
A shadow appears on the Cyclopes head and starts to get bigger.  
  
Cyclops: *Looks up* eep.  
  
Darth Vader's star destroyer lands on his head.  
  
Nuckpang: ha, showed you.  
  
Vader's voice from inside the star destroyer: awight, how got the diwections wong AGAIN???  
  
Stormtrooper3: look sir, droids. *Points to IG88 and 4LOM standing in the middle of the desert, 4LOM waves*  
  
Stormtrooper1: er...I think we'll just leave them.  
  
Back to the sand crawler, which has just pulled up to Luke's house.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (you still have your foot in that jelly and ice cream, you know.)  
  
C3PO: I like it there.  
  
R2D2: Beep (your weird)  
  
C3PO: Piss off.  
  
A Jawa walks in and gestures with his gun for them to get out.  
  
C3PO: oh, don't shoot.  
  
Jawa: hutini (it's taking all my will power)  
  
Luke is running across the desert, his golden hair flowing in the breeze, his beautiful manly body, perfectly toned, *starts to drool* so muscular, so sexy...er, what I mean is...erm... hey, look over there! *Points, then runs off*. SUCKERS  
  
*Walks back, escorted by a pair of muscled bodyguards* I have just been informed that I can't actually run off, seeing as I have to stay here and narrate the story.  
  
Aunt beru: *from inside the hole* LUKE, if uncle gets a translator make sure it speaks batchi.  
  
Luke: Doesn't look like we have much of choice, but I'll remind him.  
  
Aunt beru: oh, one more thing, I seemed to have dropped this tool, could you come down here and pick it up for me?  
  
Luke: Sure. *Climbs down, bends over and picks up the tool*  
  
Aunt beru: *from a specially selected position behind him* what a great ass.  
  
Luke: What?  
  
Aunt beru: Opps, er, I meant, your uncle. Look at him going making an ass of himself in front of those Jawas, big stupid...ass. Yeah, I covered that up pretty well. Anyway, go on, get up there and help him.  
  
Luke: Sure.  
  
Back at the sand crawler.  
  
Uncle Owen: yeah, I'll take the red one. No, not the blue, he's ugly. *To C3PO* You, I suppose your programmed for edict and protocol.  
  
C3PO: Nope.  
  
Uncle Owen: I have no use fo... what?  
  
C3PO: No, I'm not.  
  
Uncle Owen: really? Oh, all right then. I'll take him too.  
  
C3PO: Hehehe  
  
Uncle Owen: hey, sweet-cheeks. Get over here.  
  
Luke: Why do you keep calling me that?  
  
Uncle Owen: what? Oh shit... er... no reason.  
  
Jawa: cuck nuck (by the way, several members of my crew were wondering if Luke was seeing anybody *points to a group of Jawas standing off to one side, shuffleing their feet shyly. One waves*)  
  
Luke: *waves back, in a slightly different way* ah, ain't that nice?  
  
Uncle Owen: YES, he's seeing some one.  
  
Luke: Yep, I can see all of you, I can see the droids, I can see aunt beru, oh dear she seems to have dropped something else. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! *Runs off*  
  
Jawa: he doesn't have a clue, does he?  
  
Uncle Owen: no, not a clue.  
  
Luke: *Runs back over* sorry, aunt beru dropped a screwdriver down a drain, I had to bend over really far to get. *Whispers to Uncle Owen* By the way, I think she might have a bit of a problem with her mouth, coz when I turned around, she was drooling really badly.  
  
Uncle Owen: I wouldn't worry about that, just take these two over to the garage and clean them up.  
  
Luke: Sure.  
  
Uncle Owen: what? Are you sure you don't want to anchorhead with your friends?  
  
Luke: No, last time I went there we were mugged by that huge mob. Remember? They all kept thinking that my wallet was in my back pocket, and kept trying to grab it really hard?  
  
Uncle Owen: oh yeah, all right then. Off you go.  
  
Luke: Come on you, and you too red.  
  
The red R2 unit starts to walk up to him. He passes R2D2 on the way to Luke. As he does a panel in R2D2 flicks open, a taser comes out and electrocutes the red droid. It's head explodes.  
  
Luke: Aww, Uncle Owen, this R2 unit has a busted motivator.  
  
R2D2: bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)  
  
C3PO: *Taps Luke on the shoulder* excuse me sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. * Points to a green unit beside R2D2*  
  
Luke: what? That blue one?  
  
C3PO: NO, I've worked with him before, he's useless. The o...  
  
Luke: HEY, UNCLE OWEN? WHAT ABOUT THAT BLUE ONE?  
  
C3PO: nononononononononononononononononononononono, don't pick him, what ever you do don't pick hi...* R2D2 trundles up to them* R2D2, how good to see you, do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get you picked? You'd just better be grateful.  
  
In Luke's garage.  
  
Luke: You know Biggs is right...*looking in a mirror* I do need a haircut.  
  
C3PO: Oh I don't know, I think it makes you look quite sexy.  
  
Luke: What?  
  
C3PO: Er...*draws a x on the wall* look, see X see?  
  
Luke: Oh yeah, I do. Nice X.  
  
C3PO: Oh thank the maker, this oil bath is going to feel so good.  
  
Luke: *Looks up confused* we don't have an oil bath. We have got a huge vat of sulphuric acid though.  
  
C3PO: *Looks down at his legs* oh shit.  
  
Luke: And one full of petrol. Er, by the way, why do you have your foot stuck in a bowl of ice cream?  
  
C3PO: It's a fashion accessory.  
  
Luke: oh right. Looks goo...  
  
The smoker from chapter1 runs in, still on fire.  
  
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!  
  
*Spots a tub of water* I'm saved!!!! *Dives in*  
  
Luke: er... that's not water, it's petrol.  
  
Uncle Owen is still talking to the Jawa.  
  
Uncle Owen: see the game last night?  
  
In the background the garage explodes.  
  
Luke runs out, smouldering, with his clothes in tatters (several Jawas jump up with cameras in their hands).  
  
Luke: It's all right, I'm ok. I'll just use the other garage.  
  
In the other garage.  
  
Luke: Hmm my little friend...  
  
R2D2: Beep (I'm not your friend)  
  
Luke: ...Looks like you got a lot of carbon scoring.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (hey, wanna see something I taped off our shuttle ride? *starts up his holoprojector, Leia appears*.)  
  
Leia: help me obi-wan kenobi, you're my only hope.  
  
R2D2: Bleep beep (shit, wrong thing.)  
  
Luke: Wow, who is she? She's beautiful.  
  
C3PO: I'm not sure sir, I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. I can't really remember, *glares at R2D2* I especially can't remember anything about this little prick being given her fucken underwear.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)  
  
Luke: Playback the rest of the message.  
  
R2D2: Beep (no, I don't wanna)  
  
C3PO: He says his restraining bolt has short-circuited it, maybe if you remove your clothes, damnit, I mean the bolt, he might be able to playback the message.  
  
R2D2: Beep (I didn't say that.)  
  
Luke: Well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off.  
  
R2D2: Beep (ha, gonna prove your ass wrong)  
  
Aunt beru: LUKE, COME FOR YOUR DINNER. I MADE YOUR FAVORATE, BUT THEN I DROPPED IT, COULD YOU COME AND PICK IT UP?  
  
Luke: COMING! *Runs off*  
  
C3PO: Just you reconsider playing that message for him.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (ok...I've reconsidered it. NO)  
  
C3PO: I don't think he likes you at all, and I don't like you either.  
  
R2D2: Beep (wo-whooooooooo, yesyesyesyesyesyesyes, YES. I am so good).  
  
At the dinner table.  
  
Luke: You know I think those two droids might be stolen.  
  
Aunt Beru: WHAT??? WHO TOLD YOU? All right, listen, I was walking along the street, and they were just standing there, I thought, "well aren't we looking for a new pair of garbage droids?" I swear, If you rat us out to the cops I'll gut you like a fish. Don't worry, don't panic, we can still get rid of the evidence. *Runs out*.  
  
Luke: I meant the blue and the golden ones.  
  
Uncle Owen: What makes you think that son?  
  
Luke: I stumbled across an old recording while I was cleaning him.  
  
Uncle Owen: Oh, he showed you the one he taped off the shuttle trip as well? Wow, I mean, just with a tortoise and a piece of string...  
  
Luke: no, I meant the one about obi-wan kenobi.  
  
Uncle Owen: Ben kenobi? He's just a crazy old man.  
  
Luke: No, obi-wan, not Ben. *Slowly* Obi-waaaaan.  
  
Uncle Owen: No, they're the same man. Obi-wan was your father's teacher when he was a Jedi knight.  
  
Luke: What? A Jedi knight? My father wasn't a Jedi, he ran a spice freighter.  
  
Uncle Owen: No Luke, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, your father was a Jedi knight, who joined the dark side and hunted down and killed the remainder of the Jedi, plunging the universe into a time of evil and darkne...I mean, yes, yes he was a spice guy. Who ran a spice... thing? With spice n stuff. Yeah, I didn't just blow that bigtime.  
  
Luke: *In dreamy awe* yeah, a spice freighter. Wow  
  
Aunt Beru: *runs back in, a droids arm in one hand, a sledgehammer in the other* well, that's all sorted out.  
  
Back in the garage, Luke walks in. C3PO is sitting behind a pile of rubbish, a "playdroid" magazine in his hand.  
  
Luke: Now where could he be? *Presses a button*  
  
C3PO: *Jumps up involuntarily, dropping the magazine as he does so* oh shit.  
  
Luke: What are you doing back there?  
  
C3PO: Feck, er nothing. Em, *mumbles* need to draw attention away from dirty self. Er... *loudly* I tried to stop him, but he's faulty, malfunctioning, he kept babbling on about his mission.  
  
Luke: Oh, no, R2D2's run away.  
  
R2D2: *From behind a pile of boxes* bleep (no I haven't.)  
  
Luke: *Runs outside*  
  
R2D2: *Trundles out from behind corner* bleep (what's up with him? Hey, playdroid!)  
  
Luke: *From outside* damnit, he's no where to be seen. I'll have to go after him in the morning.  
  
R2D2: Bleep (I haven't run away, I'm right here. Good idea though, thanks. *Rolls out the back door*)  
  
Luke Appears in the doorway, R2D2 is getting away in the background.  
  
Luke: Damn, I can't find him anywhere. He's going to get me in a lot of trouble.  
  
C3PO: Yeah, I know the feeling.  
  
It's morning. In the desert Luke is flying across the sand in his speeder.  
  
Luke: There's a droid on the scanner, it might be our R2. *stops, IG88 is standing there, surrounded by massacred stormtroopers.* hmm, maybe not. *speeds off, then pulls up beside R2D2.* hey, where do you think your going?  
  
R2D2: Over there *an arm extends and points to a sign*.  
  
Sign: make-out point  
  
Luke: well sorry, but you have to come home.  
  
R2D2: bleep (but there are several life signs up there)  
  
Luke: sand people, or worse. Come on. *Grabs a of binoculars and looks up* well I can see a couple of banthas up there, but no sand peo...wait, I can see two n...wow...I didn't know they could do that, I mean, just a tortoise and a piece of string...wow.  
  
Sandperson: *jumps up in front of Luke* hoarrrrrrr ( peeping tom eh? I'll show you what we do to your sort round ere mate)  
  
He knocks Luke senseless. Then he looks around, and spots C3PO with a camera in his hand.  
  
C3PO: Er... hi. This camera? This isn't my camera! It's...erm...I'm just photographing the beautiful wildlif...  
  
Back to R2D2. C3PO's screams eventually die down, and two sand people appear carrying Luke. They walk over to the speeder, and start to search it.  
  
Sandperson1: horrrr haoo (there has to be some decent porno in here, you saw those two, dirty bastards the both of them).  
  
Suddenly something roars and an old man in a big brown cowl stumbles down the slope.  
  
Sandperson: harharhor (oh no, an old defenceless man) *they run off*  
  
Obi-wan: help, I'm being chased by some bloody huge dragon!!! *the roar sounds again* HELLLLLLLPP!!!  
  
The dragon lumbers over the ridge, catches up with obi-wan and eats him.  
  
Nuckpang runs in. (zats me again)  
  
Nuckpang: *to dragon* no, no, no. Sorry, but you can't eat him. He's a central character, and I need him to continue the story, so spit him up, right now, NO, no excuses, just do it. *The dragon spits out obi-wan* there you go now. Anyway, if your hungry eat him, he's only there for comic relief. *Points to the smoker on fire, who has just been put out by the fire brigade*.  
  
Dragon: right so. *Shoots a burst of flame, igniting him again, then chases after him*  
  
Smoker: this isn't funny you know. *Runs off screaming*  
  
Nuckpang: sure it is. Right, *gestures to obi-wan* back to you guys *walks off*.  
  
Luke: *Waking up* Ben, Ben kenobi? Boy am I glad to see you.  
  
Obi-wan: Luke, while in my presence, never say "boy am I..." again, or gee-wizz, or yippee. If you do I shall have to kill you.  
  
Luke: Why?  
  
Obi-wan: it brings back bad memories. *Flashback to several scenes of the phantom menace with Anikin Skywalker saying gee-wizz and Yippee* my god, that was bad acting. Sorry, any way. Don't do it again.  
  
Luke: Sure, ok.  
  
Obi-wan: anyway, wanna come back to my place for tea and crumpets?  
  
Luke: Wow, crumpets.  
  
Back at Uncle Owens house, a troop of storm troopers has just arrived.  
  
Uncle Owen: hello, can I help you?  
  
Stormtrooper1: yes, we've actually been sent here to kill you.  
  
Uncle Owen: BERU! *She walks up to him* these men have been sent here to kill us.  
  
Aunt Beru: aw, isn't that nice? Would you like a cup of tea before we start?  
  
Stormtrooper: well actually I wouldn't mind a cu...*gtes nudged in the ribs*...I mean no. we're sort of on a tight schedule, so I'm afraid I'll just have to kill you now. *aims his gun and shoots*  
  
Uncle Owen: well that's a shame. *as the laser bolt approaches he leans back in an impressive matrix style and dodges it.*  
  
Aunt Beru then leaps into the air, stops poses in the matrix kick style, the camera circles for a time, then she kicks the storm trooper in the head. Back to Luke, he hears battle sounds in the distance.  
  
Luke: uncle Owen, aunt Beru, they need my help. *he leaps into his speeder and zooms off.*  
  
Back at the house two storm troopers are dead, and the rest are running for their lives. Owen and Beru are standing there waving them. in the distance they see Luke coming.  
  
Uncle Owen: hey, I've got a great idea, lets hide and pretend that we've been brutally murdered.  
  
Aunt Beru: yeah, we can burn these two storm troopers and leave their smouldering remains here, and he'll think we're dead. Hehehe, I'm so smart.  
  
Luke pulls up to the house, gets out, and starts to cry.  
  
Luke: oh my dear aunt... you owed me money. BITCH!!! *storms back to the sand speeder, jumps in and zooms away*  
  
Owens voice from behind the house: hahaha, we fooled you Luke, you thought we were dead and...*walks out*...oh, where'd he go?  
  
Aunt Beru: don't worry, he'll be back for dinner.  
  
Some where in the desert the Jawas sandcrawler lumbers on.  
  
Storm trooper1: *jumping out from behind a rock* halt!  
  
The sand crawler halts...but just a couple of seconds to late.  
  
Stormtrooper1: *from underneath the wheels* ow.  
  
Stormtrooper2: hello, we have been instructed to kill you. For no particular reason.  
  
Hundreds of Jawas charge out of the sand crawler.  
  
Jawa: Hussein (gettem lads!)  
  
The Jawas all jump on each other's shoulders, forming one BIG ASS JAWA.  
  
Storm trooper: this just isn't my day.  
  
Luke has just arrived back to obi-wan.  
  
Obi-wan: there was nothing you could have done had yo...  
  
Screams reach them from afar. (Afar, impressive word usage eh?)  
  
Luke: oh for god's sake. *They all jump into the speeder*.  
  
They arrive on the battle scene, slaughtered stormtroopers lie everywhere.  
  
Luke: wow, it looks like the sand people did this, but if never heard of them...*looks* completely flattening someone before. I mean. Look at this guy, a bloody pancake.  
  
Obi-wan: no, only Jawas are this...messy. Look *points a twitching storm trooper* maybe he can tell us what happened.  
  
Storm trooper: no, sorry. I'm not even going to live long enough to finish this sentanc... *dies*.  
  
Obi-wan: oh well, back to my place for tea and crumpets.  
  
Back at his place.  
  
Luke: what do you mean your out of crumpets?  
  
Obi-wan: well I'm sorry, but I had the all mighty Sarlac around yesterday, and right now all my crumpets are slowly being dissolved over 1000 years.  
  
Luke: huh! Well I'm sorry, but I just won't stay in house that I was lured into by lies. Goodbye. *stomps out*  
  
Obi-wan: yeah, well... FECK OFF!!! *picks up the light saber and hurls it out the door after him*  
  
Luke: *from outside* ow for fuc...hey, this looks pretty cool.  
  
Obi-wan: *turns to R2D2* any way, did you tape that thing for me, you know, the woman with the piece of string and the tortoise?  
  
R2D2: bleep (sure did) *turns on his projector, Leia appears and does her little speech thing, then shuts down again*  
  
Obi-wan: well, I have to say I am a little bit disappointed in the playboy channel.  
  
Luke's voice from outside: hey, what's this button do? *We hear the light sabre start up.*  
  
Obi-wan: I mean, I didn't even see a turtle, never mind a tortoise.  
  
Luke's voice from outside: wow, shiny.  
  
Obi-wan: and was wearing a couple more layers of clothes then they usually have on.  
  
Luke's voice from outside: I wonder what the blade feels li... AARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH, SWEET SITH SPAWN, THE PAIN, THE PAIN.  
  
Obi-wan: Maybe it's an invitation to some wild and crazy party. Oh well, only one way to find out. Luke, WE'RE GOING TO ALDERANN.  
  
Luke: *walks in, his hand covered in a bloody bandage* okey dokey  
  
Impressively deep voice: what wild and wacky adventures will Luke have on the way to Alderann? What new friends and allies will he pick up along the way? And will obi-wan stop off at the shops to buy more crumpets on the way there? Join us next chapter to find out this... and much more.  
  
A/N- zanks to KP for proof reading.  
  
Another A/N- review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, NOW...please, if it's not too much trouble, und even if it is. Zank u - Nuckpang. 


	3. ze Moff meeting

Zig heilo, zis is chapter 3 (I zink, hang on…1+2…carry ze seven…divide by ze 20… yep, chapter 3) and if you haven't already got ze message REVIEW THIS OR DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH…ahem. If you like zis stuff tell me, review it, email me, whatever. Anyvay, zats enough pointless waffle from me (err, can you ever have enough pointless waffle? I zink not), on vit ze show...  
  
In the meeting room the Moffs are sitting around a table. One of them is keeping a lookout at the door.  
  
Moff1: *very gay voice* ok guys, today we're going to continue our flower arranging, so if you just take out your vases and get a handful of lilacs we'll get starte-  
  
Lookout: quick, he's coming!  
  
They all hurriedly put the flowers away under the table, put on deep manly voices and start chanting "crush the rebel alliance" as Vader sweeps in dramatically.  
  
Vader: Exxxxxxxewent, that's what I wike to heawr. *sits down, crushing something.* what the fuck? *he jumps up again revealing a smashed vase and flowers*  
  
Moff3: *gay voice* oh, my poppies.  
  
Vader: what a mess *he reaches up to his helmet and flicks a switch. The mouthpiece extends to form a vacuum cord, and he proceeds to clean up the mess* that's bettew, now, down to business.  
  
Moff1: Hey, you captured the princess didn't you? I hear she's great in bed.  
  
Vader: Yes, she i…I mean…I wouldn't know. It's not like she'll do anything for money, and I do mean ANYTHING, she can do this great little dance…*trails off* so I hear anyway.  
  
Moff3: The senate will not stand for this… she usually dances for them on Wednesdays.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: That will no longer be a problem, I have just received word that the emperor has dissolved the senate.  
  
We see Palpatine sitting beside a big vat of acid, several members of the senate are dissolving inside.  
  
Bail Antillies: your taking this a bit to seriously.  
  
Palpatine: right, that's it, your next!  
  
Bail Antillies: damn!  
  
The imperial guards pick him up and put him in a seat over the vat. Beside the seat is a target, like the ones at the carnival. The guards run over excitedly to a bucket of balls. They start throwing them at the target.  
  
Guard1: *throws and misses* oh, so close.  
  
Gaurd2: *throws and hits* YES  
  
Bail Antilles: *falls into the acid* oh fu- glug (ck)  
  
Bells ring, lights flare, balloons fall from the ceiling and a man comes out and hands the guard a big pink teddy bear.  
  
Palpatine: back to you.  
  
A man appears at a newsreaders desk.  
  
Newsreader: thanks, that was the sports news and we can see that the empire is clearly ahead, will that change? Only time will tell…or Vader, he could tell us either.  
  
Vader: I just can't see that happening.  
  
Newsreader: thank you, and now the weather.  
  
A weatherman appears in front of a map of Tattoine. It is covered in sun symbols.  
  
Weatherman: Well the weather is much the same as it has been…FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS!!! It's hot today, it was hot yesterday, and it'll still be fucken hot tomorrow!!! Honestly, is this a joke? Why do you waste my time like this? *Stomps away mumbling* [off screen] fucken pricks…fucken joke of a station…haven't changed the fucken symbols on the fucken map in the last fucken 40 years…hasn't rained for the last 60… *we hear a door slam as he walks outside, thunder rolls…*………………….YOU UTTER BASTERDS.  
  
Voice of god: hehehe.  
  
Newsreader: err...ok, and to recap today's main story, heerrrrreeeee's Johnny.  
  
Johnny: why do people keep saying that? *he's standing beside Boba Fett* anyway, Mr. Fett, you've suffered a great loss, could you tell us what happened?  
  
Fett: well, I was just doing my shopping, and I tied him up outside the door, and when I came out, *sobs* he was gone…  
  
Johnny: and could you describe your stolen puppy?  
  
Fett: well…he's a cute little thing, with a brown coat…*starts to sob*…and a little white patch on his nose…and…and…a big pink ribbon with "Mr. Fluffy written on it. *starts to cry hysterically*  
  
Back at the news desk  
  
Newsreader: and that's all from us, back to your scheduled programming.  
  
Back at the meeting Vader and the Moffs are staring blankly at the newsreader.  
  
Vader: What the hewll was that?  
  
Newsreader: *cleaning up some papers on the desk* hmm? Err…That was the news… you really need to pay more attention to what's going on around you. Well, go on, continue!  
  
Vader: oookkkkkaaayyyy, who's lwine was it?  
  
Moff3: I think it was my bit, *to Grand Moff Tarkin* I've analysed their attack and there is a danger…  
  
  
  
Vader: no, we hadn't got thewe yet.  
  
  
  
Moff2: *gay voice* were we doing our poppies?  
  
  
  
Vader: what?  
  
  
  
Moff5: oh to hell with it, hey Vader isn't our pwanet bwoer uppew (planet blower upper, just so you know) so great?  
  
  
  
Vader: the fowce is bettew, the force would kick your pwanet bwoer uppew's ass.  
  
  
  
Moff5: your whatnow?  
  
  
  
Vader: you shall pay fowr youwr ignowance *does the force choke handy…thing*  
  
  
  
Moff5: *looks at him blankly*  
  
  
  
Moff4: *elbows him in the ribs and whispers* he thinks he can choke you, it's best just to play along…  
  
  
  
Moff5: oh, right. Thanks. *Makes a bad attempt at pretending to be choked* oh no… I am choking…ugh *collapses*.  
  
  
  
Vader: hehehe, showed your ass  
  
  
  
Moff5: *sits up* am I? *checks to see if his ass is showing, then looks at Vader* I mean, ugh *collapses again*  
  
  
  
Smoker on fire (from chap1): *runs through, still on fire and still being chased by the dragon* AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEO UT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Moff2: I wish I had more lines in this fick.  
  
  
  
Moff1: yeah, well you don't! neh neh neh nehneh neh! I have the lead role in this scene!  
  
  
  
Moff2: your mama!  
  
  
  
Moff1: your mama!!!  
  
  
  
Vader: stop! This bikerwing is pointless!  
  
  
  
Moff1: YOUR mama  
  
  
  
Vader: WHAT? NOW YOU DIE! *dives at Moff1*  
  
  
  
Moff5: can I get up now? I'm in a really uncomfortable position!  
  
  
  
Moff4: Ssssssh!  
  
  
  
Vader: I chawange you to a deuwl!  
  
  
  
Moff1: en guard!  
  
  
  
They adopt a fencing stance and both raise their weapons, a pair of fish. They start to fight, using the fish as swords.  
  
  
  
Vader: the cirwcle is complete…  
  
  
  
Moff3: wrong page!  
  
  
  
Vader: *Picks up a script* weally?…whewe was I?…challenge to deuwl…AHA got it…  
  
  
  
Moff1: shut up! *hits him over the head with the fish.*  
  
  
  
Vader: I will kill you until you die fwom it.  
  
  
  
Moff1: your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberry.  
  
  
  
Vader: I farwt in your generwal direction.  
  
  
  
Moff1: I wave my private parts at your antie.  
  
  
  
Vader: yeah, well…you'wre an asshole. *lunges and stabs him with the fish*  
  
  
  
Moff1: gasp! I am wounded! *Falls to the ground* Moff3, come to me.  
  
  
  
Moff3: *walks over and knells beside him* yes?  
  
  
  
Moff1: come closer, I can't see, it's getting dark.  
  
  
  
Moff3: *to Moff4* hey, turn those lights back up.  
  
  
  
Moff4: *he is standing by the light switch, and was slowly dimming the room, he turns them back up* sorry, I thought it suited the mood.  
  
  
  
Moff1: tell ma I won't be home for dinner, tell little Timmy that I've gone to live in Alabama, and tell billy that I slept with his girlfriend…that'll piss him off. *Dies*  
  
  
  
All the Moffs start to sob, and wipe the tears away from their eyes.  
  
  
  
Vader: Oh well, you live by the fish, you die by the fish.  
  
  
  
Moff2: too true.  
  
  
  
Vader: Anyway, I'm off to find the location of the hidden rebel base *walks out*  
  
  
  
He marches up a corridor to the princess's cell and walks in. Leia is lying on her bed.  
  
  
  
Vader: And now princess we shall discuss the wocation of your webel base.  
  
  
  
He stands aside and an interrogation droid hovers in, it is holding a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.  
  
  
  
Vader: *drops to his knees and starts pleading* pwleaseplweaspwleasssssssee tell me where the base is.  
  
  
  
Leia: er…no.  
  
  
  
Vader: damnit. *he walks out.*  
  
  
  
Vader walks up to Grand Moff Tarkin.  
  
  
  
Vader: well that didn't worwk  
  
  
  
Tarkin: maybe she would respond better to a different sort of persuasion.  
  
  
  
Vader: what do you mean?  
  
  
  
Back in Leia's cell screens suddenly descend from the ceiling to cover all the walls.  
  
  
  
Voice: and now for a special showing of George Lucas's film…Howard the duck.  
  
  
  
(After five minutes)  
  
  
  
Leia: AAHHHHHHH, datoine, they're on datoine, now for the love of god let me out, stop please, have mercy, no more, no more *she starts to cry and sob* nooooooooooo.  
  
vell zhat's all folks!, hope you enjoyed zat, chapter 4 should follow soon. Oh, und by ze way, if you don't review zis, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!!! ( Bye now. 


	4. the grand finale...is what this chapter ...

Velcome to ze chapter 4, I hope you are enjoying yourselves, if u are, tell me, pleasssssseee review.  
  
Luke, the droids and obi-wan are standing on a cliff edge looking onto Mos Eisly.  
  
Obi-Wan: Mos Eisly, you will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy.  
  
Luke: What about over there? *Points to Canada*  
  
Obi-Wan: Yeah, well… that goes without saying…but Mos Eisly is still pretty bad.  
  
Luke: Okay… one more thing, how do we get down off this cliff?  
  
Obi-Wan: Looks around, they are standing on a solid column of rock, with a very steep drop on all sides.  
  
Obi-Wan: Hmm, I've got an idea. *Starts to tap his heels together* there's no place like Mos Eisly, there's no place like Mos Eisly, there's no place like Mos Eisly!  
  
Luke: What about Canad-?  
  
Obi-Wan: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Luke: ok.  
  
Obi-Wan: *Taps his heels together once more, a huge whirlwind suddenly develops, picks them up and carries them into Mos Eisly. Obi-wan is standing in the middle of a street* that went better then I thought.  
  
Luke: Really? *He is slumped upside down against a wall, which he hit at around 80 km/hr.*  
  
Obi-Wan: (Hehehe) *radiating innocence and concern (hahaha, good one)* oh dear Luke, are you hurt? I feel just terrible about that harm coming to you…*bursts out laughing* oh, I'm sorry…I just can't keep this up *pulls himself together* sorry, I was laughing at…em… a joke I heard earlier…yeah, the little dipshit should buy that…opps, did I say that out loud?  
  
Luke: *Getting up* anyway, will we g - err, who are they? *Points to a group of Jawas hiding in the shadows*  
  
Jawa: nuck chuck pangpang (look at the ass on that one)  
  
C3PO: Thank you, I have been polishing it.  
  
Obi-Wan: I think it would be wise to move on quickly.  
  
They start to walk down the street, but they are stopped by a group of stormtroopers.  
  
Stormtrooper1: how long have you owned these droids?  
  
Luke: Bout three days.  
  
Obi-Wan: you don't need to see his identification.  
  
Stormtrooper1: I didn't ask to see his identification, but now that you bring it up, I'd better check.  
  
Obi-Wan: *Waves his hand, as he does he reveals that he has a Blaster hidden up his sleeve, pointing at them* you don't need to see his identification.  
  
Stormtrooper1: (oh shit) we don't need to see his identification  
  
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for  
  
Stormtrooper1: these aren't the droids we're looking for.  
  
Stormtrooper2: what? How many pairs of smart-assed R2 units paired off with sissy- (C3PO: I'm just prissy, honest) golden protocol droids can there be?  
  
Obi-Wan: *Moves slightly and waves his hand* you are about to die *shoots him*  
  
Stormtrooper2: *dies*  
  
Stormtrooper1: You can go about your business…please…just go about your business  
  
They walk off leaving the Stormtrooper cowering. They walk up to a bar, over the door is a big luminous sign; The Blue Oyster. They walk in and look around. It is full of men, they are all wearing very, VERY tight black leather. As one they turn and look at Luke.  
  
Voice (off screen): what a great ass…  
  
Luke: Well now, this seems like a nice place.  
  
C3PO: Err…maybe we should go somewhere else?  
  
Obi-Wan: Oh no, the best star fighter pilots in the galaxy can be found in places like this.  
  
R2D2: Beep (you mean they're all queer?)  
  
Luke: yes, I've talked to a lot of fighter pilots, and a lot of them are queer, I mean there was this one who kept trying to drink through his nose, I thought that was very queer.  
  
R2D2: beep (no, I meant queer as in ga-)  
  
Obi-Wan: -ANYWAY, just try and blend in…*looks around, realising what sort of people he would have to blend in with*…oh…em… just go and get something to drink, but watch yourself, this place can be a little rough!  
  
Luke: I'm ready for anythin- *jumps* HEY, WHO JUST PINCEHED MY ASS???  
  
Voice (off screen): hehehe.  
  
Bartender: hey! We don't want their kind in here!  
  
Luke: What?  
  
Bartender: your droids, they'll have to wait outside.  
  
Luke: Why?  
  
Bartender: their bright colours clash with the leather.  
  
Luke: *To droids* I think you'd better wait outside.  
  
C3PO: Fine, I know where I'm not wanted.  
  
R2D2: Beep (no you don't, I don't want you. I've been dropping hints for years but you still follow me around!)  
  
C3PO: What are you trying to say?  
  
R2D2: BLEEP (FUCK OFF)  
  
C3PO: My female intuition is telling me something.  
  
R2D2: beep bleep (bout time)  
  
C3PO: you want a hug, don't you?  
  
R2D2: BLEEP (##*&#@!!!!!)  
  
C3PO: HUUUUGGGGG!!!!! *Throws his arms open and runs towards R2D2, chasing him out of the bar*  
  
Luke: …Ok. *Turns, walks over to the bar, sits and calls to the bartender* excuse me?  
  
Bartender: hey sweet cheeks.  
  
Luke: Huh?  
  
Bartender: what do you want?  
  
Luke: *points* I'll have one of them.  
  
Bartender: *reaches over and hands him an empty glass*  
  
Luke: Thanks  
  
Bartender: you want any drink with that?  
  
Luke: No thanks, this is fine, *starts eating the glass*  
  
As he is biting chunks off his glass Luke looks around, George Michael is playing over the radio, there is a small karaoke machine in the background and Greebo is making an attempt to sing "evergreen" by Will Green (and actually doing it better then that poof sings it), on the far side of the bar 'smoker on fire' (still a blazing inferno) is making pleasant conversation with the dragon that was chasing him in chapter3.  
  
Smoker on fire: so, what's it like being a mythological figure?  
  
Dragon: Not as much fun as you'd think. As a dragon I spend a lot of time being chased from town to town, challenged to duels and eating damsels in distress…God, I'd kill for a good damsel right now! The women you have down here are really bland and tasteless.  
  
Smoker on fire: Don't I know it. I mean, my girlfriend just had her bedroom painted pink, PINK for God's sake, talk about tasteless!  
  
Dragon: …er…yeah, that's what I meant… that and they taste like boiled celery.  
  
Ponda Babba: bla bla bla (so, come here often? *wobbles butt cheeks/mouth {I was never really sure about that one})  
  
A/N bit of a private joke there, just in case you don't get it and you were wondering.  
  
Luke: Oh, hi!  
  
Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose: *taps Luke on the shoulder *, he doesn't like you.  
  
Ponda Babba: bla bla bla (yes I do!)  
  
Luke: sorry  
  
Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose: I don't like you! You'd better watch yourself, I have the death sentence in twelve systems!  
  
Luke: I'll be carefull  
  
Ponda Babba: bla bla bla (hey! I was flirting here!)  
  
Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose: you'll be dead!  
  
Obi-Wan: (God I hope so) this young ones not worth the trouble, here let me buy you something.  
  
Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose: oh really? Coz I saw the cutest ikkle teddy bear in the shop next door, and I was going to buy it, but I only had 20 credits, and it was 45.  
  
Obi-Wan: 45 CREDITS!!! I'm not buying you that!  
  
Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose: oh but you promised!  
  
Obi-Wan: God damn it, alright!  
  
Five minutes later Obi-Wan and Luke are seated around a table with Han and the big walking rug we all know and love as chewie. In the background Big ugly balding guy with a fecken weird nose is cuddling a huge pink bunny rabbit.  
  
Han: chewie here tells me that your looking for passage to Alderann.  
  
Luke: Yes please.  
  
Obi-Wan: If it's a fast ship.  
  
Han: fast ship? You've never heard of the millennium falcon?  
  
Obi-Wan: should I have?  
  
Han: no, not really, but I'm still very hurt…*sniffs* I mean, we did the Kessel run in 15 parsecs, and what do we get? Nothing but a little plaque hung up in the Kessel cantina *sob* and a…a… lifetimes supply of…dr. pepper. *breaks down and starts to cry uncontrollably*.  
  
Obi-Wan and Luke both recoil in horror.  
  
Obi-Wan: oh dear God…  
  
Luke: *Leans away and vomits all over 'smoker on fire', extinguishing him*  
  
smoker on fire: hey! You put me out, I'M SAVED!!!  
  
Nuckpang: *runs in with a flame-thrower slung over his shoulder* no, no, no! there's no vay your getting put out * unhooks the flame-thrower, lights it up and then aims at 'smoker on fire' *.  
  
Dragon: *steps in front of him* oh no you don't.  
  
Nuckpang: Hey, vhat do you zhink you're doing? You're a mythical creation, you don't even exist in zhis vorld!  
  
Dragon: damn, he's right. *Vanishes with a ping*  
  
Nuckpang: and now back to y…hey! Vhere'd he go? *Looks around and spots him trying to sneak out the door* oh no you're not getting avay from me. *Chases him out of the bar, laughing maniacally and shooting jets of flame into the air*  
  
Luke: ……………………ok.  
  
Han: anyway, the trip'll cost you around 10,000 credits.  
  
Luke: sure, no problem.  
  
Obi-Wan: we'll even throw in an extra few thousand, just for the fun of it.  
  
Han: em……..ok, if you say so. Meet me in hanger bay 12 in half an hour.  
  
Luke: sure, bye now. *gets up and walks off*.  
  
As he walks out a twi-leek taps him on the shoulder  
  
Twi-leek: I'm sorry, I was just wondering, are you with anyone?  
  
Luke: yeah, actually I'm here with that old guy over there *points to obi- wan*.  
  
Twi-leek: *astonished* you're disgusting *walks off*  
  
Luke: *shrugs and walks off*  
  
Han: *walks over to Greedo* hey you. You planning on killing me?  
  
Greedo: yep  
  
Han: well you don't have to worry, tell Jabba I've got his money.  
  
Greedo: oh well that's nice.  
  
Han: so I'll just be off then?  
  
Greedo: oh god no, I'll still be killing you, but now I'll be getting a lot of money, as well as the personal satisfaction!  
  
Han: I haven't got it with me  
  
Greedo: really? Oh well in that case you can run along scott free.  
  
Han: really?  
  
Greedo: NO!  
  
Han: damnit, thought I had you there  
  
Greedo: yes, but I'm too clever for you naughty people.  
  
Han: yep, oh well. *shoots him*  
  
Greedo: damn, didn't see that one coming *dies*  
  
Han: well, I'm off *walks heroically out into the sunset, and then slips in Banta droppings*  
  
Vhere vill zis strange and vacky adventure lead our heroes? Only time vill tell…  
  
Time: well I think that they'll probably travel to Alderann, but then find out that it's been blown up, and then be captures and then….  
  
Alright, ve get it. Shut up!!!  
  
Time: well, u did ask.  
  
A/N It has been pointed out to me zat there are a couple of zings vhich I should mention, to avoid confussion. 1)I am a guy, I am not gay, anyzing vhich I zay in the vay of Luke and his damn fine ass, I zay only to take ze piss…just in case you vere getting any funny ideas. And 2) REVIEW THIS NOW, even if you have already reviewed, review again!!! I mean zis…do it NOW…please. Zank you. 


	5. a new chapter

And on vit ze story..  
  
Proofreader: Hey wait how about introducing me as your new proof reader? No? Well then I'll just have to introduced myself. Hi there I'm Nuckpang's proofreader, it's my job to fix his spelling errors and horrible grammar. Yes it is a hard job but I'm willing to it because he's paying me a lot of money and unlike other proof reader's like my own for example I don't have severe delusions of grandeur so on with the story.  
  
Nuckpang: I already zaid zhat! And it's about zime u showed up!  
  
Proofreader: Oh shut up.  
  
In a doorway in Mos Esily.  
  
C3PO: How did I ever get stuck with you?  
  
R2D2: Beep (cabbage)  
  
C3PO: What?  
  
R2D2: Beep (Sorry, it just seemed a fun thing to say.)  
  
C3PO: Well talk some sense.  
  
R2D2: Beep (Fine then.)  
  
C3PO: ....Well?  
  
R2D2: Beep (Well what?)  
  
C3PO: I want an answer to my rhetorical question!  
  
R2D2: Beep (It's a shame we don't always get what we want isn't it? For example I really want that new Macintosh that's just been released...*bursts into hysterical laughter*)  
  
C3PO: HAHAHA, good one!  
  
R2D2: Beep (I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I really would like to apologise to all the good people at Macintosh computers for that..which shouldn't take long, cause there are NO good people at Macintosh computers.)  
  
C3PO: Quick, they're coming!  
  
R2D2: Beep (Bugger! *Closes the door*)  
  
A group of men are running down the road, on their coats there is a symbol of an apple with a bite taken out of it.  
  
Apple guy1: Come on, we'll find them, and teach them to make fun of us! Apple guy2: Yeah!  
  
Apple guy3: *knocks on the door C3PO and R2D2 are hiding behind* there's no answer, whoever is hiding behind this door doesn't feel like opening it.move on to the next one.  
  
They walk off down the street.  
  
R2D2: *Opens the door* Beep (phew, that was close.)  
  
C3PO: Yeah, lucky for us they can hunt people down just as well as they can make computers. Hahaha!  
  
R2D2: Beep (Hahaha, good one.)  
  
Old woman: *walks up behind them* em, I'm sorry, but what are you doing in my house?  
  
C3PO: Er, I don't know actually. Sorry, we'll go.  
  
Old woman: Oh no, do stay and have a cup tea, and a couple of biscuits.  
  
C3PO: No, I'm afraid that if we don't leave right now, we'll probably miss our flight and end up spending the rest of lives on this barren rock of a planet...wait, what kind of biscuits?  
  
R2D2: Beep (Actually, we won't have any tea.*a slot opens and a gun extends* but we will have your money, silverware, electronic equipment and anything else of value in the house, just pop it all in a nice non-discreet bag for us please, thank you so much.)  
  
As we join our heroes Luke is forced to make a heart-rending decision and Obi-wan is in the grip of great terror!  
  
Luke: Alright, I'll take it. wait, does it come in pink?  
  
Obi-wan: Oh comes on, it'll be enough.  
  
A/N: Well, not really GREAT terror, but he's a bit miffed.  
  
Luke: But I really think it would look so very good in pink, it would go well with my new tellytubbys T-shirt.  
  
Shopkeeper: Actually we do have it in pink.  
  
Luke: Yippee, what a gonzo colour!  
  
Obi-wan: *Shudders* he gets it from his father.  
  
Luke: Oh fine then, let's go. Obi-wan: About bloody time! We've been here for the last hour, just trying to decide between a brown poncho and a slightly less brown poncho!.and you picked the PINK!?!?! I'm this close to shoving my light sabre where the sun don't shine *squeezes his fingers together*  
  
Luke: *Choking* urgh.your.fingers.  
  
Obi-wan: *Looks down to see he's doing the Vader choke.thing* opps *releases him(.slightly reluctantly)* Come on, we're late! He'll probably have left already!  
  
Luke: Oh don't worry, they haven't even done the scene between Jabba and Han yet! Look! *points*  
  
Jabba: Solo! Get out here solo!  
  
Han: Right here Jabba, you didn't think I'd run, did you?  
  
Jabba: Actually I did, we even had a betting pool going, and right now I'd owe all of them a lot of money, if the bet hadn't been called off at the last minute.  
  
Bounty hunter: Who called it off?  
  
Jabba: I did  
  
Bounty hunter: When?  
  
Jabba: The second he walked in. Now, Han my boy! How are you?  
  
Han: I'm fine actually, I had a bit of a cold the last few days, but I'm over it now and-  
  
Jabba: Oh shut up! It wasn't meant to be taken seriously! I don't give a damn about how you feel.  
  
Han: Then why did you ask?  
  
Jabba: I was just being nice and polite.  
  
Han: I thought you came here to kill me?  
  
Jabba: Yes. but I was going to do it in a very polite way.  
  
Han: Oh, I see. Thank you very much.  
  
Jabba: Now, Han my boy, why haven't you paid me?  
  
Han: Now Jabba, I have a perfectly good reason.I spent it all on booze and woman....and the odd man, but they were dressed up VERY convincingly, I never knew.honest. But I've got a nice easy charter now, I'll pay you back, plus a little extra, I just need a little more time.  
  
Jabba: Han my boy.  
  
Han: Why do you keep calling me that?  
  
Jabba: I have very strong parental feelings towards you, I don't have any kids of my own..well, none that I didn't eat while they were small slugs. but even so I like to think of you as a sort of son. *Sniff*  
  
Han: Oh, Jabba, I've always loved you like a father..right up to the time when you tried to have me killed.  
  
Jabba: Yeah, I thought you might be a bit pissed about that.  
  
Han: Oh I ain't pissed, if your looking for someone who IS pissed then look no further then Chewie over there.  
  
Chewie: *Slumped against a wall with a bottle of vodka in his.paw. * AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (*singing.badly* oh I'm a lumberjack, n I'm okay.I wish I was a girlie like my dear Papa.so I could wear a skirt, suspenders and a bra)  
  
Jabba: Er.okay, I'll give you a little longer, but after that. your ass is mine.  
  
Han: Jabba, you're a wonderful human being.  
  
Jabba: *Shocked* No, I'm not! Now clear off!  
  
Han: Okey dokey. *Walks off into the millennium albatross*  
  
Boba Fett: *walks past the camera dramatically* I can't belive this is my only appearance in this film, just this tiny bloody cameo! *Walks off*  
  
Luke and Obi-wan are walking towards the hanger bay, they enter it to see Han and Chewie fixing the ship.  
  
Han: *Singing* hi ho, hi ho, repairing the ship with Moe, while singing in time to a crappy rhyme, hi ho, hi ho..hmm, still needs a bit of work before I release it to launch my singing career.  
  
Chewie: *Removing earplugs* ARRRRRRR [looky looky, the old guy and the poof is here]  
  
Han: Ah crap. Oh well, come on, get in and we'll take off...oh look at that, some storm troopers have come to say goodbye to you, ain't that nice. Look at them pointing at you.with their guns.  
  
Obi-wan: Oh bugger. *dives into the ship*  
  
Stormtrooper: Don't let them get away! Especially the one with that fine, sweet, hot ars-.coat of hair. *opens fire*  
  
They (not the stormtroopers, the other lads) all run into the ship and fire up the engines, which just happen to be pointing at the stormtroopers, frying them all as they do, and then off they fly into space.  
  
Inside the millennium albatross Luke and Chewie are playing holo-strip poker.Luke is winning, (hundreds of jawas: NOOOOO).  
  
Luke: Hey, I thought the droids were meant to be doing this.  
  
Obi-wan: The droids.. oh crap.  
  
Behind a door in Mos Esily a pair of slightly.tinny voices can be heard.  
  
R2D2: Beep (I told you it was a bad idea)  
  
C3PO: Well at least they can't get in.  
  
R2D2: Beep (well, that's true at least, but the downside to you flushing the key down the toilet, is that, now, WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!!!)  
  
C3PO: .....well, you could look at it like that..I suppose.  
  
One quick trip to the locksmiths later.  
  
Luke: Well, we have the droids and we're heading out into space, everything is EXACTLY as it should be and there is absolutely nothing that can go wrong! *Nods happily*  
  
Obi-wan: *Stares in disbelief* YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL???????  
  
Han: *Runs in* you'd better strap yourselves in, there's a pair of star destroyers coming up on us. *Runs out again*  
  
Obi-wan: Now look what you've done!  
  
Luke: How is this my fault?  
  
Obi-wan: YOU TEMPTED FATE!!!!  
  
Luke: Oh...that..yeah, I suppose...oh well, I'm off to the cockpit to see if I can be any help by pointing out all the funny little things that they're doing wrong. *Walks out*  
  
Obi-wan: I'm going to kill him, to hell with him being our New Hope, I can't take much more of this! *Runs out after him*  
  
In the cockpit (hehehe, pit)  
  
Han: Angle a deflector shield and try to hold them off!  
  
Chewie: ARF ARF ARF [at what angle?]  
  
Han: Huh?  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRR [what angle do you want the deflector shield at?]  
  
Han: What are you talking about?  
  
Chewie: ARRRR [you told me to angle a deflector shield, and I want to know what angle you want the deflector shield at!]  
  
Han: Just get a shield up, ok!  
  
Luke: *skips in* hi every body!  
  
Everybody: Hi Mr. Luke!...er..what did I just say? And why?  
  
Han: Probably because of quantum.  
  
Luke: They're gaining on us!  
  
Han: Oh shut up, we'll lose them once we make the jump into hyper space.  
  
Luke: No, I mean, your being outrun by a star destroyer!  
  
Han: .yeah, and?  
  
Luke: Haven't you ever played x-wing, or tie fighter, or any of the other games with star destroyers in them?  
  
Han: Er.maybe.  
  
Luke: And star destroyers go, how fast?  
  
Jar jar binks: *pops his head around the door* ah, yousa point, well seen *runs off*  
  
Han: *looks back at the controls* oh, right *sheepishly* baaaa, I mean oh, I forgot to turn on the engine. *sticks the key in, and revs up the engine*  
  
They fly off, leaving the star destroyer far behind. But are these star destroyers the only peril our heroes will face? Or is it just the begi- yadda yadda yadda, you know how it goes.  
  
Proof reader: Well there it is my first proofread chapter and think I got most of the major mistakes. Go me! Oh and by the way I was just skimming through the Lord of the Rings section and came across the work of an author by the name of Kid Phoenix who's work is just FANTASTIC so read and review his stories the minute you get finished reading and reviewing this story! Adieu ! Until the next chapter. 


	6. the chapter strikes back

And ze story goes on.and on.and on and on and on and on and on and on and OH DEAR GOD WON'T THIS DAMNED THING EVER END!!! Ahem, sorry, vhere vere ve? Erm.ah yes, zhose chappies had just gone into hyperspace, so zhat means zis next scene is.  
  
Alderann is floating in space. (It's just, you know, chillin', hangin', minding it's own business), then the planetblowerupper floats into view.big bully, taking up all of poor little Alderann's screen time.  
  
Inside this so called "planetblowerupper" (if that IS its real name!)  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Standing with his hands clasped behind his back looking out of a window at Alderann (it's currently sulking because it didn't get it's big close up). * ..Space, the final frontier!  
  
Com. officer: *head snaps up* Sir! Incoming lawsuit from Gene Roddenberry!  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Uh oh! Oh well, at least we know where we'll be going with this baby once we're done here. *Eyes Roddenberrys house* hehehe.  
  
Princess Leia: *Walks in, escorted by two guards* Grand Moff Tarkin, I should have known I'd find you holding Vader's leash, I smelled your foul stench when I came on board.  
  
One of the guards: Er, actually no, that was me, sorry. *Receiving nasty looks from his companion* what?!? Chips have that effect on me!  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh shut up you blithering idiot!  
  
The guard: What! I may be an idiot, but I never blither!...I just never could get the footwork going right, you know, there's that bit when your right foot goes like this, and then the left crosses over and-  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: What are you talking about?  
  
The guard: Blithering, you know, that dance when your right foot goes like- ARRRGGHHH!  
  
Other guard: Goes like argh?  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Holding a smoking gun and looking at the large hole which has suddenly appeared in the guards chest with a vague interest* hm? Argh? I don't know. *Pokes the corpse with his foot*.strange man.anywho, Princess Leia, if you don't tell us where the rebel base is I'll blow up your home planet of Alderann.  
  
Princess Leia: Eh? I've already told you where they are. remember?  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? When?  
  
Princess Leia: I think it was in chapter 3 or 4.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? *Runs over to a conveniently placed computer and presses the back button a few times* Oh, so you did, sorry, my mistake. *Looks back at the computer screen* oh, Nuckpang and kid phoenix have a co- written story up, looks good. But anyway, Dantooine, okey dokey, *to crewmembers* right lads, on to Dantooine, AND GLORY!!!!  
  
Crewmember: I didn't know Glory was anywhere near Dantooine, I thought it was over near Corrilia.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: .what the hell are you talking about?  
  
Crewmember: you know, the planet, Glory.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: *to Nuckpang* Oh come on, you can't go around making up planets just to suit your jokes!  
  
Nuckpang: *voice from above* vell vhy not?  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Because you just can't go around adding bits into George Lucas's world.and I'm fairly sure you made up that blithering dance as well.  
  
Nuckpang: No comment.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE STUFF UP!!!  
  
Nuckpang: ....I really should have explained zhis to all ze characters before I started ze story. For you see, I am (more or less) god here, and I don't ask for any prayers or anyzhing, but, I am all mighty and all- powerful, so, zhat means zhat I can do stuff like zhis, for no reason vhatsoever. *A grand piano appears over Grand Moff Tarkin's head, it's hovering....wait! Now it ain't. *  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: *From under the wreakage* ow....okay, I see your point.  
  
Nuckpang: good, now, lets continue, shall ve?  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: *The piano disappears, though the crumpled body remains lying on the floor* urrrrrggggg *gets up slowly and painfully* oucha magoucha! *kid Phoenix: My bit! You stole my bit!* Okay then, where were we?  
  
Crew member: Something about Glory, they do gorgeous pizza's there, you know.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Okay, first to Dantooine, then ON TO GLORY!!!! .And their pizzas.  
  
Crew member: But what about Alderann?  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh we know where the base is, there's no need to destroy it.  
  
Crew member: Okay sir, if you say so, setting course for Dantooine.  
  
Grand Moff Tarkin: Good. *turns back to look out the window*  
  
Meanwhile, down on the planet, in a pitch dark storage room in the secret Alderannian base for the development and production of nuclear missiles and other weapons of mass destruction which they keep "for defensive purposes only .honest".  
  
Smoker who was on fire for most of the story so far but was recently put out, and is currently being chased by Nuckpang: Hehehe, he'll never get me in here! there's enough plutonium stocked in here to blow the entire planet to kingdom-come if a single spark reaches any of it!!! Only a complete lunatic would try anything in a place like this!  
  
From the darkness behind him we hear a flame thrower being pumped up.and a quiet giggle.  
  
Back on the planetblowerupper Grand Moff Tarkin's view of the planet is momentarily made a lot more interesting.  
  
On the millennium albatross however, things are quite dull.so we just won't bother going to see them, instead we'll take a quick trip to the playboy mansion...no we won't because my lawyers have just informed me that it is illegal in most countries to show a lot of the positions the people there are in. So instead, here's a picture of a man with nine legs.[insert picture of man with nine legs here].don't he look funny? Okay, we'll check back at the millennium albatross, see if things have moved along a bit.  
  
Luke and obi-wan are sitting at the table, deeply engaged in an awkward silence.  
  
Luke: ....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: .....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: ....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: .....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: ...  
  
Obi-wan: ....so, Luke, how's school?  
  
Luke: Fine....  
  
Obi-wan: well good..  
  
Luke: ....yeah.  
  
Obi-wan: .......  
  
Luke: ....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: .....  
  
Obi-wan: ...  
  
Luke: .......  
  
Okay, that's enough of that. while we're waiting lets take a commercial break.  
  
Commercial guy: *standing in front of a gridlocked street* 'ello, there. Are you tired of waiting in traffic jams and gridlock? Are you fed up with the way the roads are these days? Are you choking on the terrible air pollution caused by these automobiles? Well, so are we, if you can think of a way to stop it, please, let us know, and we'll make a commercial for it.  
  
A jungle appears, and moving through the trees and vines we come into a clearing. In the centre of it there is a waterfall, and in it's cascading waters is a beautiful woman, in a very revealing bikini. The water is flowing down over her bare, tanned skin, her dark hair is soaked and clinging to her curved figure. The camera starts at her feet and slowly moves up her perfectly formed body, with several barely legal shots of her breasts and ass. She turns to the camera, smiles, revealing a set of sparkling white teeth, and says "if someone you loved has died then remember them as best you can, with the perfect headstone. So come on down to Kilmash headstones, and get the best deal you can, for those you love."  
  
The scene changes again, this time it goes completely black, and a deep voice booms "So, you want action, excitement, adventure and romance? *voice softens slightly* Or do you just want to roll around on the floor in stitches of laughter? *voice slowly gets quite high pitched and excited* Or maybe you just want to jump up and down in a large bowl of toffee, yelling "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP, LOOK AT THE POTATO, EEEEKKKKK EEKKKKKKK, grrrrrrrrrPOMME!!!!" And then get an assortment of bells and things that go PING and BONG (or alternatively NIP) and then bang them all together after which maybe have a bit of a lie down and a nice cup of tea, followed by a bath in a large tub of chocolate. *voice goes normal again* Well, whatever you want, you can find it in "Nuckpang and KP's excellent adventure" the new collaboration between Nuckpang (ZAT'S ME!!!!) and Kid Phoenix (zat's not). It's an original piece (hence listed under originals) and can be reached either by looking in kid phoenix's profile, or looking in Nuckpangs favourite story's.now go, and laugh until your nose falls off. *very fast voice* the writers of this sketch accept no responsibility for death which occurs during the reading of this sketch, or any maiming/serious injuring which occurs as a result of this sketch, all law suites are to be directed to the author Kid Phoenix, and will be handled by him, while Nuckpang grab all the money and head for Mexico. [Kid Phoenix (you know-the proof reader): Censored] *different voice* This sketch is sponsored by cucumber coffee (the only coffee which not only tastes great, but is also a very strong laxative and is used frequently in the act of euthanasia! cucumber coffee, the dead mans choice! ({and, for a limited time only you can get a FREE rotting foot in every jar).  
  
Right, I think we'd better check back now.  
  
Luke: *standing with a light sabre outstretched in his hand, a remote is hovering in front of him, occasionally firing laser bolts at him.* OW, that one got me as well, obi-wan, I haven't been able to block a single shot so far.  
  
Obi-wan: yes Luke, and I've already told you that you would stand a better chance with the light sabre switched on.  
  
Luke: you never said that.  
  
Obi-wan: I've told you 18 times so far, and you always get distracted by something stupid and trivial.LUKE!!!  
  
Luke: *looks up from his close examination of a passing fly* hm? Sorry, what?  
  
Obi-wan: just turn on the bloody light sabre.  
  
Luke: okey dokey. *turns it on and has a very uncomfortable moment standing on his tip-toes as he realises that he's holding it backwards, and (luckily for him) diagonally. He quickly moves it away from the offending area and his ability to have children is no longer at risk* okay, now what do I do?  
  
Obi-wan: Block the shots from the remote.  
  
Luke: Okey dokey.OW!!!!  
  
Obi-wan: Block the shots with your light sabre Luke, not your hand.  
  
Luke: Well you probably shoulda mentioned that before.  
  
Obi-wan: Just do it.  
  
Luke: Fine, I'll try.  
  
Obi-wan: No, try not, do, or do not, there is no try.  
  
Luke: You sure you're in the right film?  
  
Han: *Walks in and slips into a chair* hey the way you say that it makes it sound as if I slip into a dress!  
  
Nuckpang: *voice from above* well, okay, if you insist.  
  
Han: *there's a flash and he's standing there in a sparkling red dress* very funny.  
  
Nuckpang: why thank you.  
  
Han: this is getting a bit predictable isn't it?  
  
Nuckpang: hey, you wanna try and do my job?  
  
Han: I'd have a go yeah.  
  
Nuckpang: alright then, off you go.  
  
Han: okay then. *starts to write the rewrite*  
  
the room darkens and princess Leia appears, she is standing on a raised platform, and a pole descends from the roof. She grabs it, does a small twirl on it, and then rips off her-  
  
THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!!!!  
  
Nuckpang: right, I'm taking over again!  
  
Han: oh fine then, *slumps back in his chair*  
  
Obi-wan: feel the force flowing through you.  
  
Luke: oh, it's the force flowing through me? The doctor said it was methane gas.  
  
Obi-wan: yeah.okay.here, try it with this helmet on. Just let the force take over completely.  
  
Luke: *puts on the helmet, with blast shield lowered* okey dokey, takes up his stance with the light sabre slowly moving, the remote flicks quickly and fires. Luke dogdes to the side and swings his light sabre*  
  
Obi-wan: ....okay Luke, maybe you should take the helmet off.  
  
Luke: *he takes the helmet off to find that he was facing the wrong direction and has just decapitated C3PO*.  
  
Han: oh for gods sake, I can do it, give me the damn light thingy. *jumps up out of his seat and snatches the sabre from Luke's hand* look, it's easy *swings the light sabre, cutting the remote in half* there, training finished, now strap yourselves in, we should be coming up to Alderann soon. *walks out*  
  
Obi-wan: okay, we'd better do as he sa- ARGH!!!! *Collapses into his chair*.  
  
Luke: what's wrong?  
  
Obi-wan: it's a disturbance in the force, I sensed that millions of voices have just cried out in horror, and were suddenly silenced, I fear something terrible has happened  
  
Luke: yes, I know what your talking about.  
  
Obi-wan: what? But how?  
  
Luke: Emperor Palpatine has just declared that he will be replacing Jerry Springer on the Jerry Springer show.  
  
Obi-wan: but they were suddenly silenced!  
  
Luke: yeah, he announced that all the competition will be destroyed, and so, Ricky Lake has been thrown from the top of a 50 story building.  
  
Obi-wan: YAAAYYYY!!!! Okay then, that explains it, next stop Alderann!  
  
They all walk into the cockpit to strap in (and watch chewie brush his hair, it's quite an experience to see a wookie bend over double to reach the hair on his back with a two foot long brush). Han reaches to the controls and pulls them out of hyper space, and flies them straight into an asteroid field.or so it seems.  
  
Obi-wan: what the hell is this?  
  
Han: I don't know, there aren't any asteroid fields around here.and what did he mean or so it seems?  
  
Luke: but where's Alderann?  
  
Han: don't know, don't care.  
  
Luke: maybe the nice man in that tie fighter could tell us.  
  
Han: tie fighter? What tie fighte- oh THAT tie fighter.bugger. Chewie charge up the guns, I'm lost ,pissed off, and if I don't take it out on this guy the kids gonna be floating home.  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRR [okey dokey].  
  
Luke: but aren't we gonna ask him about Alderann? I'm sure he'd be glad to help us if we ask him nicely.  
  
Han: don't be stupid kid.  
  
Tie pilot: *voice comes over the radio* evening all, you're probably wondering where Alderann is, you see there was some sort of- HEY YOU JUST SHOT AT ME!!!!!!!! Screw this, I'm going!  
  
Han: quick, Chewie, he's landing on that small moon, shoot him!  
  
On a small moon a man in a large, bulky space suit is climbing out of his ship.  
  
Mr. Armstrong: this is one small step for man, one giant leap for-  
  
Han: good shot Chewie, he's toast!  
  
Obi-wan: fantastic, now all we have to worry about is that incredibly huge space station that is bearing down on us as we speak.  
  
Luke: maybe they know what happened to Alderann.  
  
Han: someone hit him, please!  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRR [oh! oh! Please, let me, let me! *hits Luke*]  
  
Luke: *from the other end of the ship where he landed* ....ouch.  
  
Han: it's no good, they've got us in a tractor beam and they're pulling us in.  
  
Outside the ship there is an old man riding a tractor, which is attached to the ship by a rope.  
  
Old man: Yep, got you boys good.  
  
Han: *Examining the rope* damn, he's used a double knot, there's no way we can escape!  
  
[insert long, boring, and ultimately pointless end of chapter speech here. And remind people to review (if possible with gruesome threats attached)]. 


	7. the return of the chapter

I'm not going to bother vith an intro to zhis chapter, but I am just going to say, I'M REALLY DESPERATE FOR REVIEWS! PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I'd REALLY appreciate it!!! You can even put in *shudder* constructive criticism. And I don't care if you already reviewed chapter 3 or 4, or vhatever! Review again! Please! I need zhis feedback!  
  
Inside the "planetblowerupper" the millennium albatross has been impounded, clamped, and a fine left taped to the windscreen for the driver to see, because of a parking offence. There are two stormtroopers guarding the entrance platform to the ship, but they aren't really too interested, and are watching Jerry Springer on small TVs hidden in their hands.  
  
JERRY SPRINGER! (There are cheers and hooting from the audience)  
  
Emperor Palpatine walks on stage, to yet more cheers.  
  
Palpatine: *motioning for silence* thank you, thank you. As you all know, I have taken over from Jerry, because he is temporarily unavailable.  
  
(*The camera flicks over to a dark, dank, dungeon where Jerry Springer is chained upside down to a wall, clothed in rags, and from a pair of earphones hanging on his head we can hear vague traces of Britney Spears songs being played over and over again. The camera turns back to the studio, and Jerry's screams are slowly being faded out.*)  
  
Palpatine: so, with that in mind, our topic for today is, when milkmen turn sour!  
  
(*The camera cuts to a milkman, wearing a white coat, white cap, and a mask across his face to conceal his identity sitting in a chair.*)  
  
Milkman: well, the pressure just overwhelmed me. You have no idea how much pressure there is, I mean, everybody's depending on you to get there, so they can have their bowl of cereal. And it was all just too much for me. I cracked, and went on a killing rampage that lasted for several days. I like, burned down every house that was on my milk route, killing anybody that got in my way. I beat some of them over the head with bottles of UHT milk, and like, ran over most of the others with my milk float.  
  
(*The camera changes again, this time, moving to a man with a large milk bottle embedded in the side of his head.*)  
  
Man: yeah, I was the victim of an attack carried out by one of these milkmen, the surgeons say that I'll have this scar for the rest of my life (*points to the milk bottle*).  
  
The camera changes again to another man.  
  
Different Man: I was run over by a milk float, I was trapped underneath for the three minutes it took for the float to completely run me over. (*He turns and walks out, as he does we see that he has been completely flattened to about a centimetre thick*)  
  
Stormtrooper1: (*obviously a man who can be outsmarted by squashed fly, with a voice to match. Something like the Monty Phyton "gumby's"*) huh huh huh, looky at dat guy, he all fla' , huh huh huh!  
  
Stormtrooper2: hey, shu' up! You maken us look bad! (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)... Wai' a minute, he IS all fla'! Huh Huh Huh!!!  
  
(*Vader sweeps in majestically, puts down his brush (get it? Brush? SWEEPS in? nudge nudge, wink wink?), and marches over to the ship.  
  
Vader: (*waving a golf club in the air*) alwight!!! Who dumped this bit of junk on my dwiving wange????  
  
(*An officer hurries down the ramp to meet him*)  
  
Officer: Greetings Lord Vader. The author can't think of a gimmick for me, so I will have to do as I am.  
  
Vader: Vewy well then. Why is this ship hewe?  
  
Officer: It's been impounded on a parking offence. According to the log the crew went off for a curry, and while they were gone the parking metre ran out.  
  
Vader: The bastewds! (*He freezes for a second, staring off into space*) I feel something, something I have not felt in a long time. (* a bulge starts to slowly grow in his pants, you know, just below the stomach.*). Eeek! I, er, must leave. Quickly! (*Hobbles off*)  
  
Officer: (*shrugs*) Strange man. (*Shouts the pair of giggling stormtroopers*) OI! YOU TWO, GET A SCANNING CREW IN HERE!  
  
Stormtrooper1: Eh, why?  
  
Officer: I want to see if there's any buried treasure on board.  
  
Stormtrooper1: Buried treasure? Why would der be buried treasure?  
  
Officer: I don't have to explain myself to the likes of you! (*marches back inside, slips on a banana skin, and goes tumbling headfirst into the ships garbage compartment.*)  
  
(*Inside the ship*)  
  
Han: (*slowly lifting the section of the floor under which he's hidden*) the coast's clear! Come on! (*He throws away the section of the floor, dislodging the Stormtrooper that was standing on top of it, and sending him flying against the wall, where he slumps down unconscious*).  
  
Luke: (*Climbs out*) Wow, it's lucky you had these compartments.  
  
Han: I use 'em for smuggling kid. I never thought I'd have to smuggle myself in them.  
  
Luke: Smuggling? Oh, that would explain all those drugs that obi-wan found.  
  
Obi-wan: (*leaps out of the hole screaming*) ARRRGGGGHHHHH SPIDERS!!!! THEY'RE ALL OVER ME!!! GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF!!!!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Han: (*Looking down into the smuggling compartment*) HEY! You used ALL that stuff??? (*Looks at obi-wan*) you know, you really should be dead.  
  
Obi-wan: (*Runs off, waving arms wildly and screaming*) AAARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Luke: (*Stares blankly after him*) ...I think what he meant to say was "right chaps, I'm off to shut down the tractor beam so we can all escape".  
  
Han: Really? Okay then, lets see if there's anywhere around here to get a drink while we wait. (*Yells down to the stormtroopers guarding the ship *) hey could you guys give us a hand up here?  
  
Stromtrooper: I dunno (*Looks at his hands*), I only have da two, and dey look like der pretty well stuck on.  
  
Han: Just come up here!  
  
Stormtrooper: Oh okay. I can do dat!  
  
He and his partner run up the walkway, slip on the same banana skin their officer fell on, and follow him into the garbage compartment. Coincidentally he was, at the same time as they were "entering", trying to leave. Crash! Bang! Wallop!  
  
Han: maybe we'll just ask someone else for directions.  
  
Up in the look out-post, or office, or whatever the hell it is.  
  
Officer: CKY21, come in! CKY21, why aren't you at your post?  
  
A voice comes back over the radio (it's the Stormtrooper)  
  
Voice: I am a voice coming back over the radio.  
  
Officer: Yes, I know. Where are you?  
  
Voice: Em, opps. I fell down!  
  
Officer: (*to the other officer, who I didn't actually mention, but is there!*) damn, we have a Stormtrooper down, I'll go pick him up.  
  
Voice: Awwww!!!! It all smelly in here!  
  
Officer: Yes, yes, I'm coming! (*Walks over to the door, and opens it*).  
  
Han: (*Smiles warmly*) Hi, I was just wondering, could you please direct us to the nearest-  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! (TAKE THAT YOU FIEND!!!) (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)  
  
Han: Now what'd you have to go and do that for?  
  
Chewie: (*Shrugs*) ARRRRRRR!!!! (Dunno, it just sort of happened that way)  
  
Han: well, come on, let's see if there's anyone else around. (*Walks in and sees the second officer*) ah, hello. We were just wondering is there anywhere around were we could get a drink?  
  
Other officer: Well, there's Starbucks.  
  
Han: Yeah, there's ALWAYS a Starbucks. Which way is it?  
  
Other officer: Well, you go straight down there (*points*), then take a left, go down the corridor a bit, then take the second right you come to, down, past the torture chamber, past the skinny dipping pool, and then take a left. After that, you take another left, a right, a left, another left, another left, then a right, then you take the elevator on your right to the 3672nd floor, once you get out turn left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then up, then down, then you do a little spin, then you stand on our head, then you jump around in circles while reciting the poetry of William Butler Yeats, then you take the next left on your right, and you go up and down and bounce around, then you take the next bus into the city centre, once you get in there, then you find the local airport, and you walk up to the check in desk, and you book a flight to Corrilia, then you are informed that your flight will be leaving in five minutes, so you rush to arrival gate, but you've missed it already, so then you get the bus back here, then you get off, then you turn left, left again, then right, and you keep going until you pass the happiness factory, then you take a left, then a right, another right, then a couple more rights, and a left, after that you take the next up on your down, and you're there! You can't miss it!  
  
Han: so, once we get past the happiness factory we take the next left?  
  
Officer: right!  
  
Han: we go right?  
  
Officer: wrong.  
  
Han: then left?  
  
Officer: right.  
  
Han: you just said that right was wrong!  
  
Officer: yes, left is right.  
  
Han: LEFT ISN'T RIGHT! RIGHT IS RIGHT, LEFT IS LEFT!  
  
Officer: no, right is wrong, and left is right.  
  
Han: left is right?  
  
Officer: right.  
  
Han: And right is wrong?  
  
Officer: right.  
  
Han: (*trying to reason it out*) So, if left is right, and right is wrong, then we have to go wrong?  
  
Officer: By the look of you, you already have.  
  
Han: Chewie, will you try to work this out?  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRR (Sure) (*Hits the officer, and sends him soaring across the room*)  
  
Han: Why do you keep doing that?  
  
Chewie: (*shrugs*)  
  
Han: Okay then. Right, lets go find this place. (*To the two droids*) You stay here, you don't need food or drink anyway.  
  
Vell, zhat's all for zhis chapzer, do you like ze new brackets vit ze *'s ? I think zey make it a little easier to read, und I have been told zat zat has been a problem. Very much sorry am I if you found it like zat. Anyvay, I'd just like to remind you of ze little short message zat I gave you at ze start, REVIEW ZIS BLOODY CHAPZER!!!! REVIEW EVERY BLOODY CHAPZER IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT! (Und maybe if you don't!). 


	8. the phantom chapter

The two droids pressed their backs up against the wall in desperation.  
  
C3PO: This is all your fault!  
  
R2D2: Beep (Oh shut up!)  
  
C3PO: I can't believe you've got me into ANOTHER mess!  
  
R2D2: Beep (Oh please shut up!)  
  
C3PO: I mean, how could-  
  
R2D2: Beep (Dear God he's still going!)  
  
C3PO: -you be so stupid?  
  
They started to edge their way towards the door, trying to stay away from the flames.  
  
R2D2: Beep beep (Look, how was I to know that it was a real missile?)  
  
C3PO: I thought it might have been obvious, seeing as it had A REAL MISSILE written on one side, and A PRESENT TO SADDAM FROM GEORGE on the other.  
  
R2D2: Beep (It was an innocent mistake! Could have happened to anyone!)  
  
C3PO: Lets just go, okay?  
  
R2D2: Oh fine! (*They hurry out*)  
  
Meanwhile, in another part of the ship.  
  
Luke: At last, we found Starbucks! (*Walks over to a counter*) I'll have a cappuccino and a plate of chips please.  
  
Man: Em, what?  
  
Luke: I'll have a cappuccino and a plate of chips.  
  
Man: Huh?  
  
Luke: (*Getting annoyed*) I would like to order a cappuccino and a plate of chips from you, what's wrong with that?  
  
Man: You can't order that here!  
  
Luke: Oh yeah, Starbucks don't do chips, do they? Okay then, just the cappuccino.  
  
Man: No, you don't get it, this isn't Starbucks, it's the detention block!  
  
Luke: (*Looks around, noticing for the first time the guards surrounding him pointing threateningly with their guns. *) Oh.Right.Well, we'll just be going then. (*Turns to leave*)  
  
Man: Not so fast, you are currently surrounded by the Empires best stormtroopers, there is no escape! (*To stormtroopers*) KILL THEM!  
  
The storm troopers take aim and open fire. Every single one manages to miss Han and Luke, but does (after much bouncing off walls) hit the other stormtroopers, killing all.  
  
Han: (*Looking around at the total devastation*) Yep, they're the Empires best all right.  
  
Luke: Really? What are the normal ones like?  
  
Han: Well, I'll put it like this, there was one guy who, armed only with a spoon, managed to destroy an entire ship, killing all on board, and crippling several nearby star destroyers.  
  
Luke: Wow, that's pretty impressive. I've never heard of anyone taking out that many men like that.apart from Jar Jar Binks.  
  
Han: It was his own ship, and he was just eating lunch! He didn't mean to! You've heard of the rebels recently won battles against the empire? They only won because the empire's ships keep on crashing into each other and blowing themselves up!  
  
Luke: Incredible.(*Leans against the wall, accidentally opening one of the prison cells. *) Opps! (*Looks inside to see Leia lying on her bed*).  
  
Leia: (*Looks up*) Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?  
  
Han: (*Looks in*) Aren't you a little ugly to be the heroine?  
  
Chewie: AAARRRRRRR [Hey! Looky! She's got Danish pastries stuck to her head!]  
  
Luke: (*Takes off his helmet*)  
  
Leia: Outta my way hairball! (*Pushes past him and runs out, pausing as she sees Luke again*) Hey there little bro'! Didn't know it was you, long time no see.  
  
Luke: Huh?  
  
Leia: Oh never mind, we'll get to that eventually. Right now we'd better run as fast as our little legs can carry us. (*Looks at Luke*) Well, in your case beautifully toned and muscled legs, (*looks at Han*) and in your case waxed legs.  
  
Han: HEY! How did you.I mean, how dare you! I'm as manly a man as they come!  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHARHARHAR [Yep, you're a manly man alright! Just one that likes to dress up in women's clothes.]  
  
Luke: What'd he say?  
  
Han: NOTHING! He didn't say anything, did you Chewie? Coz you know if you'd said anything you wouldn't get any kibble for WEEKS! And there'd be that subject of that trip to the vet, which I've been leaving off, and could at ANY MOMENT REMEMBER! So yeah, you didn't say nothing Chewie!  
  
Chewie: (*Has been sitting on the ground scratching his ear with his foot, but jumps up as Han says this*) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR [You big dress wearing pansy!!! For shame on you! Blackmailing a poor little Wookie!]  
  
Han: I do what I have to to survive.  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRR [Does that include wearing sequins?]  
  
Han: .On occasion.  
  
Chewie: ARRRR [Yeah sure]  
  
Han: IT'S TRUE! There was that time when I had to.er.because.of the.er.Empire.and their evil.er.Empire.so there!  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRRR [There are things living in my fur that could come up with better then that.]  
  
Han: Oh yeah? Prove it!  
  
A voice from inside Chewie's fur: Well, there was that time I had to wear sequins to infiltrate that base full of transvestite stormtroopers.  
  
Han: Oh shut up!  
  
A voice from inside Chewie's fur: Well you asked!  
  
Leia: This is all very cute, but we're still about to be overpowered by hundreds of stormtroopers.once they can work out how to open the door.  
  
Stormtrooper 1: (*From outside the door*) Well, personally I think it's this button. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH (Scream of unimaginable pain).. Nope, it wasn't that one.Maybe this one . ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.Nope, not that one either.  
  
Leia: On second thoughts, take your time, there's no rush.  
  
Luke: Hey! Look! A grate! We can escape through that!  
  
Han: Oh great, a grate! (*Waits to hear gales of laughter at his witty pun.but doesn't*)  
  
Leia: Well done little bro'!  
  
Han: Sorry, I think you might have missed that, but I said "Oh great, a grate!"  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR [But there's a door just over there!] (*Points to large door, over which is hanging the sign- BACK DOOR. NOT GUARDED. AN EASY AND CONVENIENT ESCAPE ROUTE, LEADING STRAIGHT TO THE DOCKING BAY WHERE YOUR SHIP IS BEING HELD*)  
  
Stormtrooper 1: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.no, not that one. Let's try this one again.  
  
Han: You see, it was a pun, or a play on words. A type of joke if you will.  
  
Luke: What's that Chewie boy? Timmy's trapped down the old well?  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRR [The name's Chewbacca, not Lassie!]  
  
Han: You see I took the words "great" and "grate", which sound the same, but are actually different words, and I put them in a sentence together.  
  
Leia: What'd he say flyboy?  
  
Han: Eh, he says he'd prefer to be called Fluffy. Oh, and something about a door?  
  
Luke: No time to get a proper translation! We'll just assume he's talking about an evil door of death, and ignore whatever he's trying to say!  
  
Han: But I really think that you've all missed this joke.  
  
Stormtrooper 1: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH .No, that still wasn't it.  
  
Stormtrooper 2: Sir! Maybe you should stop playing with the power sockets and try to open the door?  
  
Stormtrooper 1: Power sockets? What power sockets? .Oh, THESE power sockets!  
  
Luke: QUICK! No time to worry about where this leads, or what single eyed monsters may or may not be living at the bottom of it! (*Pulls out his gun and shots the grate*)  
  
Han: You know you could have just pulled it off, it wasn't stuck down properly, and now were have to slide past the jagged, burning hot edges that are left.  
  
Luke: Yeah, but this way was much more dramatic. (*Dives down the cute*)  
  
Stormtrooper 1: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Stormtrooper 2: That's still a power socket sir. The door is over here.  
  
Stormtrooper 1: Oh yes. of course. ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Stormtrooper 2: .Now, he actually got the right button that time.  
  
The door slides open, to reveal a troop of stormtroopers, one of whom is charred and smoking (i.e. is emitting smoke, not having a cigarette).  
  
Stormtrooper 2: THERE THEY ARE! SHOT THEM!.AND LEAVE THOSE BLOODY POWER SOCKETS ALONE!!!  
  
Stormtrooper 1: (*Who was slowly edging his way back to the power sockets*) Awwwwwww, but it tingles!  
  
Stormtrooper 2: I don't care! Get the hell away from them! .sir.  
  
Leia: Screw this! (*Dives down the cute after Luke*)  
  
Han: Chewie, get down there! I don't care what you smell!  
  
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR [All I can smell is your cheap perfume!] (*Dives down the cute*)  
  
Han: (*Shouts down after him*) I HEARD THAT! (*Mumbles*) bloody fleabag (*Jumps down after him*).  
  
And so ends another chapzer! Vot vacky and vild adventures vill zhey be having? Vell, you've seen ze movie, so you already have a rough idea. 


End file.
